FINDING MYSELF AGAIN
When my husband, John, died in 2000, I struggled to figure out who I was and where I was headed. I loved John deeply and could not picture my life without him. As I worked through the years of loss I made a lot of decisions—some worked, some didn’t. I took on a new job, joined a variety of groups, traveled alone, spent time with family and reconnected with my faith. Living alone offered me a great deal of independence, but deep inside me, I missed sharing my life with another person. The following excerpt is from my memoir, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels A Widow’s Story of Love, Loss and Renewal, a book that’s bringing hope and inspiration to others.
In October 2006, I continued my
quest for independence, my best friend from high school and I went to a
Christian women’s retreat in Alexandria, Minnesota. My friend had spent several
years alone after her divorce. I considered her an expert on the independent
life. During the four-hour drive we laughed and talked about the joys and
challenges of the single life. All weekend I participated in activities focused
on strengthening my faith and nurturing the female spirit. During our quiet
meditation times my mind kept floating back to my friend Paula’s dating comment.
My
five years alone had renewed my connection with God and opened my eyes to a
future filled with new opportunities. Yet there was something about eating
pancakes alone in a bar on a Saturday morning that made my lonely heart ache.
When I arrived home from the women’s retreat, I flipped on my computer and
signed up for Match.com. Under my caption “Teacher Ready To Kick Up Her Heels,”
I answered the profile questions. Even after five years, marking the word widow pierced my heart. In the section
about myself I wrote that I enjoyed spending time with those I love, sharing
candlelight dinners and spending time outdoors. I described my perfect “match”
as someone who was physically active, found joy in each day, and liked to
travel. I ended the description with
“Life was made to have fun, are you ready?” Waiting for “winks” to show
up in my Match mailbox, I wondered if I was
ready.
For
the next few days I spent my evenings snapping photos of myself with my new
digital camera so I could post them on my profile. I fixed my hair, put on some
makeup and picked out a few outfits for my photo shoot. Then I piled a few
books on top of John’s leather chair and positioned the camera on top. Clicking
the auto shoot timer I quickly slid onto the piano bench and smiled into the
camera. I flipped through the images on my camera and ended up picking a photo
my friend had taken of me earlier in the summer. Later that night after reading
my evening Bible passage, I prayed for God’s guidance. I asked Him if there was
someone who would be a good fit for me, to please draw that person to me. If
not, I asked Him to give me the courage and strength to live alone.
The
next night I tried uploading the photo onto my profile. Having recently
purchased a new iMac, I figured the upload would be a breeze. I followed the
dating site’s photo directions, but nothing was happening. Frustrated, I called
the help number in California. A young man’s voice answered. After I explained
the problem he asked if I had dial up or wireless. When I said dial up he
assured me that was the problem. All I had to do was follow the directions on
the site and wait a LONG time. He warned me not to touch the computer while I
was waiting, and he’d call me back when the photo appeared on the site. Twenty
minutes later he called and congratulated me on my successful upload.
Every
night after work I rushed home to check for “winks.” A few appeared in my
mailbox, but none of their profiles really excited me. After adding more photos
to my profile and two months of only a trickle of “winks” and a disastrous date
with a guy who considered sitting on a dock with a six-pack of beer and a
fishing pole a luxury vacation, I told my sister I was ready to stay single and
live alone for the rest of my life. With only a month left on my subscription I
decided that when the subscription ran out, I was done dating.
Diane Dettmann is the coauthor of Miriam Daughter of Finnish Immigrants. Her grief memoir, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels: A Widow’s Story of
Love, Loss and Renewal, was selected as the runner-up in “The Beach
Book Festival” awards. She has presented her writing at local Barnes &
Noble stores, libraries, history centers, bookstore events, and at
international immigration conferences in Turku, Finland and Thunder Bay,
Canada. Diane is currently working on a post WWII novel, Courageous Footsteps, that will be released in spring of 2015. Book information is available
on Diane’s website: http://outskirtspress.com/snowangels
