Alone for the first time in my life, I struggled to figure out who I was— a question most people asked as teenagers. The sudden death of my fifty-four year old husband brought our twenty-eight year marriage to an unexpected end. Living at home during my college years to save money and marrying my husband with never living alone left me clueless on how to survive on my own. Coupled with a grief ridden heart, trying to face my life alone as a widow pushed me into a process of figuring out where I was headed in life. Sometimes I even wondered if I wanted to keep going.
When my husband and I struggled with infertility early in
our marriage in the 1970s, we considered the limited options. We thought about
adoption, but decided to pursue other medical possibilities that could lead to
a child of our own. Eventually, after almost losing John during a minor
surgery, we gave up and placed the decision in God’s hands.
Years passed by with no babies appearing, yet John and I
grew even closer as a couple. We enjoyed traveling and spending our time
together. Eventually, we accepted that we weren’t meant to have children and
would grow old together. We seldom gave much thought of what would happen to
either one of us if we were left alone. I guess we thought we’d live forever.
After John’s death, I questioned our decision not to adopt
children. Hindsight is a great teacher too bad we can’t rewind the clock of
life. Alone, I pushed through the loneliness and loss with varying degrees of
success. I took on a new job two weeks after the funeral. My literacy coach
position required me to travel around the country to training sessions with my
new colleagues, then return to our school and train teachers. The new job
provided many new opportunities and at the same time added stress to an already
overwhelming grief process.
For six years, I took on the challenges of single life. I
tackled home improvement projects, traveled alone, discovered new interests and
at the age of fifty-six even tried dating. I found dating in my mid-fifties a
whole different experience than when I was in my twenties. Not sure where I was
headed, just I kept going. In the process, I realized grief sucks and that it
takes a lot of time and energy. I also discovered the healing value of solitude
and the resiliency of the human spirit.
As painful and hard as the grief journey is, the positive
energy and time invested eventually reveals a new path and new you. People may
tell you to “move on” or “get over it” but be brave enough to invest your
energy in the challenges and struggles the grief journey presents, get support
from others and take the time to find yourself again. Keep going, a bright
sunrise and new direction is waiting for you.
Diane Dettmann, author of Twenty-Eight Snow Angels: A
Widow’s Story of Love, Loss and Renewal. Available
in e-book and paperback, ordering information at http://www.outskirtspress.com/snowangels
