Reflections on Loss Years Later

When my husband, John, died suddenly in 2000, my life changed forever. I didn’t think I’d even survive the devastating loss. My grief and pain, a compilation of various losses—the death of my parents, my brother and severed friendships caused by disagreements over the process of grief—pulled me into a dark place. It took time, energy and support to find my way out.

Thirteen years have passed. John continues to appear in my dreams. Paging through photo albums triggers memories of all the fun we had, our travels and our day-to-day life filled with home remodeling projects, yard work, holiday celebrations and time together. Even yet I’ll awake with an image of John lingering in my mind. He smiles and holds me, then leaves and doesn’t come back. Tears build up in my eyes. The image of John’s loving smile and his arms wrapped around me pushes tear droplets down my cheeks, leaving gentle paths along my cheeks.

How do I feel today emotionally? I feel peaceful and soft. Relaxed like a doughboy, happy with my life. I know I’m happy by the lift in my voice and the tranquil feeling in my breath. Writing about death and loss this morning is not sad or broken. My spirit accepts the pain that has softened over time. I’m no longer fighting and pushing the grief deep inside. John will always be a part of my life.

I ask myself, “What three things give me joy?” Without hesitation I jot in my notebook,  “writing, walking and time by the sea.” My memories endless like the waves stroking the beach. Carry your loved one forward with you in your heart—they’ll always be a part of you.

Read more about my grief journey in my memoir, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels. "The Beach Book Festival" Runner-Up!

 Available in e-book and paperback on Amazon at
http://www.amazon.com/Twenty-Eight-Snow-Angels-Widows-Renewal/dp/1432777041
Also on Barnes and Noble at http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/twenty-eight-snow-angels-diane-dettmann/1114818659?ean=9781432777043