Keeping the Faith

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

After my husband, John, died suddenly in 2000, I felt totally alone in my grief and struggled to make sense out of my life. Alone in the house, I screamed and cried asking God to bring John back. I wondered why a loving God ripped my fifty-four year old husband out of my life. Ravaged with anger, my faith faltered and I fell into a deep pit. Grief does that.

Raised in a Christian home, I attended Sunday school, confirmation classes and even belonged to a youth group at my church. My mother taught me the Lord’s Prayer when I was four years old. Each night standing in the dark by my bed she recited the prayer with me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I believed in God and loved Jesus. My Sunday school teacher saying that Jesus loved us and I believed her.

My husband John and I were married in my church in 1972. After saying “I do” we looked forward to a lifetime together. Never imagining it would end so soon. During our marriage we attended church weekly, praying, taking communion and singing hymns side-by-side. When we faced our infertility problems together, I prayed that God would bless us with children. As the years went by and no babies appeared, my faith began to weaken. With no obvious answers from God, we eventually fell off the faith path.

Struggling with the grief after John’s death, I wondered where was that loving God and Jesus when I needed them? For years, I looked for answers in books and in the world around me. I joined a new church, participated in a Bible study group and even volunteered for a Habitat for Humanity project in our community. Attending church alone was a tough stretch for me. I usually sat way in the back so if the message or songs triggered tears I had an escape route. As the years passed, I continued to attend church services and devoted time morning and evening for meditation and reflection.

Thirteen years have passed since I said a mournful goodbye to my loving husband. After six years alone, in 2007 I married a wonderful man. My pastor performed the wedding service, sending us off with a smiles and blessings from God. My husband and I have found new meaning in life and continue to carry memories of our spouses with us as we build our life together.

Looking back on those difficult years of grief, I realize facing a death often challenges our faith. Attending church on September 8^, 2013— Allan and my sixth anniversary— my pastor’s message triggered memories of facing John’s death. The pastor spoke about Asaph’s struggle to understand why the wicked and immoral appear to succeed in life while the humble and loving face tragedies that change their lives forever. Asaph wonders where is God in all this? The pastor reminded us that God offers us assurance that He’s always with us in difficult times; he has a plan for us. I know he did for me, just took me a lot of time to figure it out. 

At the end of the message, our pastor told the congregation that one of the members in our church wrote a book, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels, about the death of her husband and finding her faith after the loss. His comment brought tears of happiness to my eyes. After the service, I gave the pastor a hug and thanked him for the support during those dark days of grief, for officiating at our 2007 wedding ceremony and for sharing my story, Twenty-Eight Snow Angels, with others. He looked at me and said, “I loved your book.” His smile and words said it all. I'm glad my book's bringing hope and inspiration to others.

Twenty-Eight Snow Angels information at http://www.outskirtspress.com/snowangels